Conversational Intelligence 101: Own and Hone Your Listening Skills February 13, 2014

What would your managers, direct reports, or peers say about your listening skills? Would they say you are an active listener who is present and focused, understands what they are saying, and can read between the lines?

Or, would they say you are like Sergeant Orville P. Snorkel in the Beetle Bailey® comic strip? Sarge doesn't believe his men have anything worthwhile to say, so why should he listen? He believes he is the one who is in charge! He gives the orders and they better listen ... or else!

I wonder how many times Sarge has ignored or not paid attention to what his men were saying, asking, or doing that would have been beneficial to him? How many opportunities has Sarge missed by not asking his men for their ideas, opinions, or feedback--and then listening to their responses?

As a leader (with or without a title), listening is one of the most crucial skills you can own and hone! Why? Well, unless you listen to others you cannot build trust, which is crucial for success. In her latest book, "Conversational Intelligence: How Great Leaders Build Trust and Get Extraordinary Results," Judith E. Glaser tells us that transformational conversations occur when trust is high and people believe they are safe from threats or danger.

Millions of years ago, our primitive brain warned us of threats from predators so that we could escape from danger or death. Today, when the Amygdala (a remnant of our prehistoric brains) gets triggered by real or perceived threats, it signals the Neocortex to shut down, which renders us unable to engage or connect with others. Triggers can be as unassuming as a word, a look, or tone of voice that recalls a past event in which we were chastised, shamed, rejected, or failed. 

So what does this have to do with listening? If you are the boss, it behooves you to ask others what they think; then stop talking and listen to what's being said. That doesn't mean you should listen for an opportunity to interrupt and take over the conversation. Or, just pretend to listen because you are planning to do it your way no matter what. It means to actively listen in the way that you would want others to listen to you when you express your ideas and opinions. Can you do that? A better question may be, "How do you do that?"

Tips for Active Listening:

Let's use the context of a brainstorming session, a common interactive business practice used to spawn creative thinking, spark innovation, and solve problems. Ideally, we envision lots of free-association, banter, humor, and synergy among the team. More often than not, people won't speak, ideas are ridiculed or rejected, everyone talks over each other, and bosses veto every idea except their own.

So, how do you foster an environment in which people engage so that great conversations can continue happen? 

• Priming: Set the stage for trust. Ask everyone to contribute to a list of agreements for the session, which may include: turn off cell phones during the meeting; do not interrupt others; do not criticize or judge others; and set a time limit for each speaker to have the floor.
• Ask open ended questions: When you want others to talk, ask questions that cannot be answered by a simple yes, no, or one-word response.
•  Avoid trigger words: Some words and phrases can elicit a defensive reaction such as: "Why did you do it that way?" You can ask the same question without triggering the other person by instead asking: "Help me understand how you decided to take that approach?"
• Stay in curiosity not judgment: When you find yourself thinking, "That will never work!"  Instead, ask yourself and the other person "How might that work?"
• Remove "yeah but" from your vocabulary: When you say "yeah but" in response to an idea or opinion voiced by another person, you are basically saying, "That won't work!" Try saying something like: "I find [that] very interesting. I'm wondering how you would handle [that] if [this] happened?
• Don't interrupt: Give the speaker time to be fully expressed. Focus your mind on what is being said versus what you want to say in response. When you believe the speaker is finished, confirm by asking "Have you finished?" Then, ask for permission to offer your thought or opinion.
• Paraphrase: The best way to confirm that you understand what the speaker has said is to mirror or paraphrase what you heard and ask for confirmation. The ability to succinctly restate what you just heard does take practice because it requires you to be intentional, attentive, quick-minded, and articulate.

These are simple conversation rituals that you can practice yourself and encourage your co-workers to practice as well. Even with these subtle changes, you will be surprised how the level of trust grows and people become more willing to share and explore together.

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