Conversational Intelligence 101 – Better to End a Quarrel than to Let It Fester!
March 25, 2014
 On most Sunday evenings at 9 PM, you will find me glued to my TV watching "Downton Abbey" a drama-series set in early 20th century, in high-brow England. As an undying fan of the show, I am captivated by the elegance of the period and the feisty cast of "upstairs and downstairs" characters, which includes the aristocratic Grantham family and their (mostly) devoted slate of servants.
Among the nobles are two matriarchs, Violet Crawley, Dowager Countess of Grantham, and Isobel Crawley, mother of Lord Grantham's late son-in-law. To say that these two formidable women have an ongoing spar is an understatement. Bound by the proper etiquette of the time, they camouflage their barbs in polite banter, always vying to get the last word without saying what they really want to say.
Can you relate? Think of a time when you found yourself in a situation that felt like you were verbally threatened or attacked. What were you feeling? Literally, how would you describe the feeling?
When I sense conflict, my heart beats faster; my mouth gets dry; my vision narrows; and most regrettably, my brain freezes! I am tongue-tied. So, I politely smile or make light of the offense and then stew about it for a long time and think of too-late-now witty comebacks.
Let's give a nod to Isabel Crawley who said, "Seems a pity not to take the chance to end a quarrel, isn't it better than to let it fester?" She's right, but what do you do when you feel powerless in the nano-second that your brain detects conflict?
For example, suppose a co-worker blames you for missing a project deadline, which you have been working tirelessly to meet--albeit under the radar at home during the evenings and weekends.
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First, realize that your brain has sensed the threat and reacted (aka Amygdala Hijacking) by shutting down and signaling your body to either fight, freeze, or fly away, which cause you to experience the uncomfortable physical sensations.
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Then, breathe! By taking a deep breath or two you will quell your amygdala and give yourself the opportunity to recover.
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While you regroup, ask the other person a question to diffuse the tension. You might say, "Can you say more about that?" or "Hmm, that really hurt my feelings, was that your intention?" Hint: To avoid triggering a defensive reaction, don't start the question with "Why?"
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As the other person registers your inquisitive response, you will likely observe a dialing-back of emotion, which will give you an opening to regain your control of the conversation and keep the dialog flowing.
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Now, restate the facts. Say something like, "What I heard you say, is that I am not doing my fair share of work on this project. In your opinion, tell me what I need to be doing more of to contribute more fairly?"
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Through conversation, you may become enlightened and/or clear up misconceptions--perhaps others were unaware that you were working on your share of the project at home into the wee hours.
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At the end of the conversation, be sure to make agreements about how you will handle breakdowns going forward such as having more frequent team check-ins or letting others know what roadblocks you are facing.
Typically, the discomfort of conflict stems from our reaction to a threat or implication that we are wrong. Unlike the Dowager Countess of Grantham, few of us have the where-with-all to deflect a verbal attack, as expressed in this bit of dialog:
Isobel Crawley: How you hate to be wrong!
Violet Crawley, Dowager Countess of Grantham: I wouldn't know, I'm not familiar with the sensation.
Unlike our fictional adversaries, Isobel and Violet, you don't have invisible scriptwriters who can immediately craft the perfect response to a verbal attack aimed at you. But, you can put into practice some of the Conversational Intelligence (C-IQ) techniques mentioned above for quelling your amygdala and minimize conflict while building trust.
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