Co-Creating Through Dialog
September 3, 2009
Co-Creating - Moving from Protecting to Partnering
When facing a conflict, we typically have two reactions: fight or flight. Before we know or ask what is true or real, we create a story, jump to conclusions and we assume we know what the other person is thinking, feeling, or doing - and it's usually not good! That perceived threat triggers a natural reaction to protect and guard ourselves physically and emotionally.
The ability to co-create with others through conversation is crucial to successful leadership and team collaboration. When we say “co-create” here’s what we mean:
- Prepare Yourself - Gain clarity about your intentions for a positive outcome. If necessary, write out a script or rehearse with a trusted advisor or friend.
- Build Rapport - Use co-creating language to set the stage for the conversation by inviting the other person to “help you understand how we can … (fill in the blank)”.
- Share and Discover – Seek to understand the other person’s perspective Share your story with candor and caring instead of criticism.
- Be Innovative - Ask “what if” questions. Listen more and talk less.
- Get Commitment – Once you agree, seek commitment about what you will do in the future.
- Clarify Next Steps – Review your agreements and plan your next steps.
In the abstract, these principles for co-creating conversation may seem simple, but putting them into practice may be challenging, especially when emotions run high.
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Dear TeamWide Solutions Coaches:
I am having an issue with a colleague who works in my department. We used to be friends as co-workers. We have similar job positions and titles and we have the same boss. Lately, my co-worker has been very short and curt towards me, almost ignoring me. He also seems to be really chummy with our mutual boss. Others in the office have mentioned that he talks about me when I'm not there. My concern is he is talking negatively to my boss and others in the office telling them things about me that aren't true. It is affecting my work because I feel like I am being watched and/or judged by my boss. My colleague’s accounts are bigger than mine and I think the boss feels he and his work are more important. How should I handle this?
Stressed in the Cube
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Stressed in the Cube!
Prepare Yourself - Before you have this conversation, you need to decide what outcome you want from this conversation. Connect by scheduling a time the two of you can talk openly, without interruption. We recommend, if possible, that you meet someplace other than the office for privacy. If you have been friends in the past, this should be easy to arrange.
Build Rapport - Let him know that you feel your working relationship has changed over the past few weeks and that you want to talk about how you can get back to your collaborative and friendly relationship. It is important to set the stage with your colleague so that you both come out winners. An example of this would be to ask: "How can we get our working relationship back on track so we can focus on our work and be more collaborative? Keep your outcome goal in mind and keep the conversation focused on that goal.
Share and Discover - Begin by telling him how you feel that things have changed between you and that he is angry at you for some reason, but you don't know what you have done. Then stop talking and hear what he has to say. Really listen to what he is saying and feeling. Keep the tone of the conversation even. Create and maintain a safe environment for the conversation. By safe, we mean non-threatening and not attacking the person, putting him on the defensive.
Be Innovative – Acknowledge that you heard and understand what he said. Then ask: “What would be possible if we could wipe the slate clean and start anew?” or “What would I need to do to regain your trust?” or “What support might we get from our boss if we shared this with him?”
Get Commitment - By co-creating this conversation, you will work together as partners to come up with a solution to the situation. Focus on solutions and not who is right or who wins. Let him know you support him in his desire to be successful and hope the two of you can work together for the success of the company.
Clarify Next Steps – Before you end the conversation, thank him for meeting with you and helping you to understand why and how you two were disconnected. Verify that you both agree to whatever you decided to do next.
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There are some great ideas here.
On your point number three, I try and treat conflict of any sort a little bit like a customer service / complaint situation - you always fix the customer and then fix the problem because you cannot reason with irrational, emotional people. You can always "acknowledge" how people feel without having to "agree" with them - its a great diffuser.
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Ian, you are so correct. We need to make sure the person is receptive and in a good place emotionally to hear what we have to say. Most people just want to know they have been really heard. Once you have their attention and open mind, you can co-create a conversation to work on the issue.
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