Conversational Intelligence 101-Start with the End in Mind
March 31, 2014
Spoiler Alert! Skip to third paragraph if you have not seen
the March 23, 2014 episode of The Good Wife!
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Killing off a main character in a television series is a huge decision for the writers of the show. On a recent episode of
The Good Wife, attorney Will Gardner, a central character, was shot and killed by a deranged client. Fans were stunned, and some expressed outraged at the tragic turn of events. They knew that Will's love interest/ protagonist, Alicia Florrick, would be devastated by the loss.
Expecting
The Good Wife's fans to react strongly to the demise of Will Gardner, the writers quickly posted a letter on the show's website to justify the extreme plot twist. In short, they explained that over a year ago, the actor who plays Will Gardner asked to be released from his contract to pursue other professional interests and they agreed to "write him off". Knowing the time line and the desired outcome, the writers embarked on the task of developing a realistic and dramatic plot line that would allow Will to exit from the show. As a fan, I would say the writers succeeded in building up the storyline that led to the shocking event because they started with the end in mind. The same principle applies to conversation.
Spoiler Alert Over! Safe to Read Ahead!
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You'll know that you need to have a vital conversation when you experience doubt, angst, or stress when you think about discussing a sensitive or controversial topic with another person. Whether you want to deliver disappointing news or address a touchy subject, be intentional about the outcome that you want for the conversation and for the relationship. As a ritual, before any vital conversation, ask yourself three key questions.
Case in Point: You want to tell your boss that you are disappointed (aka angry and frustrated) that she chose your co-worker instead of you to lead an important project.
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What do you really want the outcome of the conversation to be?
Do you want to blow off steam? Or, do you want your boss to select you to lead the next project?
If you want only to vent, then your conversation will likely be one-sided and may confirm to your boss that she made the best decision after all. If you choose the latter, you will need to share your confusion about her decision,
listen to her reply, and ask her what you need to do to be considered for the next project. Be prepared to offer specific examples that demonstrate why you believe you are ready to manage upcoming projects.
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In what condition do you want the relationship to be during and after the conversation?
Before you have a vital conversation, it's important to gain clarity about your intentions for the relationship. If you are having the conversation with your boss and you want her to think favorably of you, consider how you communicate verbally and non-verbally. Think about your body language, tone of voice, and word choice when engaging with someone you do not like. Now, imagine yourself talking with someone whom you respect and value. By keeping the latter image in mind when you communicate, you are more likely to transform anger and conflict into alignment and cohesiveness, which will likely result in a positive outcome for the relationship.
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What do you want the other person to believe about your intentions for the outcome of the conversation?
Based on your answer to the prior question, be sure to convey your intention for the outcome when you extend the invitation to engage in an important conversation. Transparency is essential when communicating! In this case, you may want to say something like:
"Amanda, I was surprised that you chose my co-worker to lead the ABC project instead of me. I believe that I have demonstrated good leadership abilities and I thought I would be your first choice. I would like to understand your thinking and how I can improve my chances for leading the next project. Would you be willing to have this discussion?"
A precept of Conversational Intelligence is to practice new conversational rituals with the goal of transforming individual perspectives into a shared reality. Starting with the end in mind is a simple ritual that can lead to better outcomes, stronger relationships, and new insights through conversation. So, before you have the next vital conversation, answer the three questions above to discover your true intentions and set the stage for co-creating the best outcome.
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